PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 1.
AUGUST 28, 1841.
THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
CHAPTER I.
INTRODUCES THE READER TO THE APPLEBITE FAMILY AND TO AGAMEMNONCOLLUMPSION APPLEBITE IN PARTICULAR.
The following is extracted from theParliamentary Guide for 18—:—“APPLEBITE,ISAAC (Puddingbury). Born March 25, 1780; descended fromhis grandfather, and has issue.” And upon reference to amonument in Puddingbury church, representing the first Mrs.Applebite (who was a housemaid) industriously scrubbing a largetea-urn, whilst another figure (supposed to be the second Mrs.Applebite) is pointing reproachfully to a little fat cherub who isblowing himself into a fit of apoplexy from some unassignable causeor another—I say upon reference to this monument, upon whichis blazoned forth all the stock virtues of those who employstonemasons, I find, that in July, 18—, the said Isaac wasgathered unto Abraham’s bosom, leaving behind him—aseat in the House of Commons—a relict—the issueaforesaid, and £50,000 in the three per cents.
The widow Applebite had so arranged matters with her husband,that two-thirds of the above sum were left wholly and solely toher, as some sort of consolation under her bereavement of the“best of husbands and the kindest of fathers.”(Vide monument.) Old Isaac must have been a treasure, forhis wife either missed him so much, or felt so desirous to learn ifthere was another man in the world like him, that, as soon as themonument was completed and placed in Puddingbury chancel, shemarried a young officer in a dashing dragoon regiment, and startedto the Continent to spend the honeymoon, leaving her son—
AGAMEMNON COLLUMPSION APPLEBITE (the apoplectic“cherub” and the “issue” alluded to in theParliamentary Guide), to the care of himself.
A.C.A. was the pattern of what a young man ought to be. He had16,000 and odd pounds in the three per cents., hair that curlednaturally, stood five feet nine inches without his shoes, alwaysgave a shilling to a waiter, lived in a terrace, never stopped outall night (but once), and paid regularly every Monday morning.Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite was a happy bachelor! The womenwere delighted to see him, and the men to dine with him: to the onehe gave bouquets; to the other, cigars: in short,everybody considered A.C.A. as A1; and A.C.A. considered that A1was his proper mark.
It is somewhat singular, but no man knows when he isreally happy: he may fancy that he wants for nothing, and may evenpersuade himself that addition or subtraction would be certain tointerfere with the perfectitude of his enjoyment. He deceiveshimself. If he wishes to assure himself of the exact state of hisfeelings, let him ask his friends; they are disinterested parties,and will find out some annoyance that has escaped his notice. Itwas thus with Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite. He had made up hismind that he wanted for nothing, when it was suddenly found out byhis friends that he was in a state of felicitous destitution. Itwas discovered simultaneously, by five mamas and eighteendaughters, that Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite must wanta wife; and that his sixteen thousand and odd pounds must be asource of undivided anxiety to him. Stimulated by the mostpraiseworthy considerations, a solemn compact was ente