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The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Complete Works of
Artemus Ward (Charles Farrar Browne) Part 3
With a biographical sketch by Melville D. Landon, "Eli Perkins"
Stories and Romances.
3.1. Moses the Sassy; or, The Disguised Duke.
3.2. Marion: A Romance of the French School.
3.3. William Barker, the Young Patriot.
3.4. A Romance—The Conscript.
3.5. A Romance—Only a Mechanic.
3.6. Roberto the Rover; A Tale of Sea and Shore.
3.7. Red Hand: A Tale of Revenge.
3.8. Pyrotechny: A Romance after the French.
3.9. The Last of the Culkinses.
3.10. A Mormon Romance—Reginald Gloverson.
My story opens in the classic presinks of Bostin. In the parlerof a bloated aristocratic mansion on Bacon street sits a luvlyyoung lady, whose hair is cuvered ore with the frosts of between17 Summers. She has just sot down to the piany, and is warblinthe popler ballad called "Smells of the Notion," in which shetells how, with pensiv thought, she wandered by a C beat shore.The son is settin in its horizon, and its gorjus light pores in agolden meller flud through the winders, and makes the young ladytwict as beautiful nor what she was before, which is onnecessary.She is magnificently dressed up in a Berage basque, with poplintrimmins, More Antique, Ball Morals and 3 ply carpeting. Also,considerable gauze. Her dress contains 16 flounders and hershoes is red morocker, with gold spangles onto them. Presentlyshe jumps up with a wild snort, and pressin her hands to herbrow, she exclaims: "Methinks I see a voice!"
A noble youth of 27 summers enters. He is attired in a red shirtand black trowsis, which last air turned up over his boots; hishat, which it is a plug, being cockt onto one side of hisclassical hed. In sooth, he was a heroic lookin person, with afine shape. Grease, in its barmiest days, near projuced a morehefty cavileer. Gazin upon him admiringly for a spell, Elizy(for that was her name) organized herself into a tabloo, andstated as follers.
"Ha! do me eyes deceive me earsight? Is it some dreams? No, Ireckon not! That frame! them store close! those nose! Yes, it isme own, me only Moses!"
He (Moses) folded her to his hart, with the remark that he was "ahunkey boy."
Moses was foreman of Engine Co. No. 40. Forty's fellers had justbin havin an annual reunion with Fifty's fellers, on the day Iintrojuce Moses to my readers, and Moses had his arms full oftrofees, to wit: 4 scalps, 5 eyes, 3 fingers, 7 ears, (which hechawed off) and several half and quarter sections of noses. Whenthe fair Elizy recovered from her delight at meetin Moses, shesaid:—"How hast the battle gonest? Tell me!"
"We chawed 'em up—that's what we did!" said the bold Moses.
"I thank the gods!" said the fair Elizy. "Thou did'st excellentwell. An